Ready to go home

I'm ready to leave here. I know it's my post-trip feeling and it'll pass. It's the feeling of wanting to be in an English-speaking country, to feel resourceful, to be around friendly locals, to be around family so as to not have to parent in isolation.

Jen reminded me that I felt the same when I returned from Australia earlier this year. It's funny, the feeling subsided after that trip but I wonder if a part of the feeling buries deep and stays there. Ready to emerge when confronted with a version of what could be.

I am not unhappy here. This is home for now. And maybe that's also part of the problem. This is Home-For-Now. Not home for good. Not that I would want it to be. But it is temporary. And there is a part of me that enjoys that. Making friends quickly and meaningfully. Being an outsider, but part of a small community of people like you. Maybe I am coming closer to preferriing a home-for-more-than-just-now.

I have lots of friends here and I know lots and lots of people. And they know me. But I am slack with my relationships here. I make little effort. I wonder if this is a symptom of my feelings towards this place. Withdrawing myself slightly. Doesn't make me feel sad at all. Suits me fine. I am happiest when the girls are at school and garderie and I can just suit myself. Fine if this includes catching up with friends. Fine if it doesn't. Maybe I also feel this way with MK being a shiftworker. He's around a lot of the time. Which is great. And then I relish the time I have by myself.

So if the word came tomorrow that MK has a job back in Melbourne with this company and we were leaving in a month I think I could handle it. But the reality will be very different, I suspect. It will be very complicated emotionally leaving here. Charlotte was born here and Lily spent a large chunk of her early childhood here. But I hope we will feel good about leaving. And not feel like we are leaving before our time.

I want to make it positive because our life in Australia will include a backyard...and that's gotta be good for all of us!